hoarding and gender anxiety

“Performing music is like sex. Hot, passionate and sometimes you get so sweaty it looks like you’ve taken a shower on stage. Either way, they’re always screaming your name.”

I need someone to come and throw all of my junk out.

I’m a hoarder. I always knew this but now it’s just so obvious.

I was packing today (finally getting somewhere) and I’ve only packed one third of my stuff and I’ve already filled my car. And even though I try to throw things away, I really do, they just keep finding their way back into the ‘must-have’ pile. I’m far too attached I think.

Besides my obvious failure at any type of readiness for life I’ve spent the morning reading erotic stories, editing my own novel (which is infuriating me slightly) and feeling slightly sick at my gender today.

For once in a long time I feel without a gender today.

And for some reason it’s screwing with my head a bit. Maybe it’s added pressure from my parents to get ready, or the anxiety seeing my extended family and their horrible homophobic ideals, or it could even be the fact that I’m going swimming again, for the first time in years.

I don’t really know, I just feel… out of it today.

I want to clearly grab onto something today but it’s out of reach, and it’s annoying me.

I put on make-up, then I take it off.

I style my hair, then I rough it up.

I put on clothes, then I take them off again.

Thank goodness swimming only needs a bathing suit otherwise I wouldn’t be going anywhere today.

I’m just running today. The typical Cal signature of, ‘ Oh fuck, this is too much for my brain to handle so I’m going to go running full pelt down the street, fall over something and get laughed at.’

I haven’t run from anything in awhile, in fact the last time was the day before my graduation last year and I ended up a five hour drive away from home with a major headache. Today I’d take that headache over anything else.

I’m feeling a bit asexual today as well. I can look a hetero porn and get nothing, then I can read man-to-man porn and get nothing, trans-porn is nothing, queer dyke porn is nothing… It’s just all nothing today.

It’s a bit hard to explain, even to myself and I’m sure that I’m completely non-coherent but at least that’s gotten a little bit off my chest.

I’ll update tomorrow, after I get my hair and a facial.

Until then, goodbye.

– Cal.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: