you dont have to

“Could you imagine your life any better? Yeah, I could too.”

My mother: You know, you don’t have to have short hair to be gay.

This was a breakthrough point for my relationship with my mother. I’d been cutting my hair short for about 5 months now, give or take a week, and all I had recieved in return for my stylish new cuts was: “You looked pretty with long hair.”

So does that random snippet of conversation mean that it’s finally alright for me to be gay in her eyes? Does it finally mean that she’s stopped trying to tell me to ‘give the nice boys a chance’.

I’m not sure. I don’t know. It’s all a little too confusing for me currently.

But being at Uni now, this hair that I have, these markers that I portray to the world, they are now my world.

I’m not sure what people think when they first see me. Maybe it’s ‘Oh, she’s gay’ or maybe it’s ‘Oh, she’s one of those crazy, punk girls’. I just don’t know, so being able to look the way I do makes me feel more confident with my sexuality and gender for some reason. I can’t understand why it does but it reminds me that I am what I am and just because people don’t know it or recognise it, it doesn’t devalue it in anyway.

Another problem I’m finding is meeting other LGBT folk. Personally, I think we should all wear signs on our head. But then again, some people might actually have gaydar compared to me who has… none.

I always thought when I moved I wouldn’t feel so cut off from the world but right now, this is the most cut-off I’ve ever felt. I want to meet people like me, I want people to accept if they aren’t like me and I want people to know who I am but I can’t exactly shout it from the rooftops, now can I?

A little lost and confused but at least I’ve got all my subjects chosen, now I just have to pay for the first semester, my books and all the software I need. I’m anticipating a $5 000 drop in my savings account but oh well, hopefully this will turn out to be worthwhile, and if not…

– Cal.

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One Response to “you dont have to”

  1. nome Says:

    Is there a gay group or house on campus? That’s how I met a lot of queers..

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