Posts Tagged ‘feminist’

double post: nudity and fear

January 22, 2010

“I have a funny feeling that Santa Claus is behind this.”

It’s a double post today. Why? Because I’ve got so much to say and so little time.

Okay, so yesterday, as I was avoiding the cover letter I had to write for a scholarship fund I somehow decided it would be a good idea to go through my old computer and have a look what’s on there.

Oh and behold, what did I find?

Pictures. Of me. Nude.

It seems my fascination with sexuality, gender and nudity goes back further than I can remember. Not to mention the need to express all my ideas in photographic from.

In my stumbling I found three hidden folders, each containing a photographic series in which I’m nude. Now if the time stamp on these such folders is correct then the first series, titled: Sex with Light was taken when I was 14 and I believe that it was also a joint project with a fellow photographer friend of mine, whom I haven’t seen in years.

The second series was: Bare the Truth and was taken when I was 15. It displays me and four of my friends either nude of partially nude with different drawn versions of the sign ‘Bare the Truth’ as it were.

The third series, and probably the most dastardly for someone of the age 15 was… Erotic Language. Yikes! What on earth was I thinking at young, clean age 15?!

Then I realized that I’d  been watching porn since I was 13 so it didn’t really matter that somewhere in my fifteen year old mind I found it alright to pose erotically using the aid of sign language to actually point out the differences of male and female sexual culture.

But, that was then and this is now. I like to think I’ve gotten a bit more subtle. Apparently not. You see, looking back I can tell that majority of those messages I was trying to send, they’re about all the same things that I’m currently fighting for.

I had thought I’d evolved (and sure my technical photographic skills have) but the way my mind processes such issues as sex, sexuality, gender, eroticism and society seem not to have changed since that tender age. (Though I do use tender in reference to my buttocks which seems a little bit fuller in some of them photographs than it is now. But then again I can’t swivel my head 180 degrees on my neck either.)

Seeing these earlier expressions made me realize that I wanted to show these to the world. Young, and counting as child porn, yes but I feel it was the most untainted view I had on some issues back then.

Right now my focus is on sexuality and gender, trying to fill in the gap between normal and abnormal (in society’s dictations). But some of the ideas I must have had back then were just… well a little mature of my age. Seriously, what 15 year old things about eroticism in terms of sign language? (I believe I was influenced by a young deaf girl I had met on one of my many travels in those days.)

It’s a little unnerving, but it also gives me a sense of certainty. I’ve been doing this for awhile I’ve realized. Sure, awhile is four to three years but better than nothing.

And the fear…

I’ve written something similar to this before, in my very first post as it were, but I don’t know how many people and read that and for starters, if I don’t self-express somewhere soon (why does that sound so dirty to me?!) I’m probably going to end up screaming at some inanimate object.

And nobody wants that.

Fear…

What on earth would I be afraid of?

Um… Life in general actually.

You see in my ‘practically-a-new-years-resolution-and-goal-post’ a.k.a. Wanted: Dead or Alive, I set myself many standards and many things to achieve.

I’d almost forgotten the fact about why they were still undone.

Self-doubt, not the ‘oh-i’ll-wake-up-in-the-morning-and-it’ll-be-gone’ type but the crippling, ‘please-don’t-take-the-covers-off-me-I’m-dying-inside’ type.

I’ve written majority of this before but I’m writing it again because it never really disappears for me. No matter how much I talk about it, try and get over it, think I get over it, realize I’m not over and fall flat on my face again, I can still never seem to anticipate it.

My self-doubt is an odd beast I think.

I’m terrified of not having my dreams come true.

And I’m terrified of having them come true.

So how does self-doubt fit into this equation?

I doubt that if I get everything I want that I’ll be happy, and I doubt that if I don’t I’ll probably still have the same feelings.

I want to change the world, but I also want my life.

I haven’t yet figured out how these to mix evenly enough to coincide in my heart yet, and I figure it’ll take a little bit more time.

But now, being in the questioning society that I am, other thoughts have begun to seep into my mind and further feed my fear of the future.

“What if I turn out not to be queer?!” – Kind of stupid really and even the thought of kissing a guy is kind of gut-wrenching, no offense to them or anything.

“What if I decide I don’t like what I’ve done to my body?!” – Another stupid one really, it’s a bit too late to go back on several tattoos and many piercings. But then again, with the rate of plastic surgery, who knows?

“What if I hate what I’ve become?!” – This is probably a more legitimate one. I’ve always promised myself that I would be a righteous person. Fight for the little people. Bring perspective to an ignorant world. But what happens if I turn out to be my own worst nightmare?

That’s what stops me from falling asleep at night.

It’s officially a week till my 18th Birthday, so it’s also officially a week until I move into my Uni accommodation.

Suddenly my future is right there and my door and all I want to do is turn on the TV or pretend I’m not home.

But since, knowing myself and my huge ego, I won’t ever admit this to anyone vocally. I’ll admit it to this blog because well, I don’t know if I’ll ever meet any of you in real-life, unless of course you’re reading this as one of my few friends who know the truth about me.

But anyway, there it is. Fear of the future and what I might become, but a fear that nobody will ever know because my pride eats up the air I breath it’s so domineering.

I’d like some thoughts about this… Or at least some advice.

– Cal.

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wanted: dead or alive

January 14, 2010

“If people were cookies I think you’d be double chocolate chip with macademia nuts.”

 

Back to the world with 2010 and along with a whole new head of worries.

I’m back, moreso, my computer is back. Holiday was long, I got sunburnt and eaten by mosquitos as well as being insult by text messages because I kissed one of my straight friends for New Years Eve. Bollocks.

I’ve been meaning to write this for awhile, (i.e. it’s being sitting inside, stewing about in my mind while I painted my nails again an again) so I’ve decided to let it all hang out. My dreams for 2010, my expectations, my fears and all that loverly denial I have. So where should I begin?

I’m petrified of…

Myself. Yes, that person staring back in the mirror is terrifying to me. Her hair is messy, her skin is bumpy and red, let’s not even describe the state of her make-up and her smile is crooked; but none of this is really the problem.

That girl in the mirror, she’s not me and it’s taken me so long to realise it. You see, I’m the short-black-haired girl who wears dark lipstick, talks about gender and sexual equality, sex in general, contradictory religion, patriachal society and it’s effects on feminism. I’m the girl who spends majority of her time alone, writing or painting or composing. I’m the girl who walks down the street amid taunts and who somehow still keeps her head high.

But I’m also not her. This person that I am is simply a product of what my life experiences have created. To be truthful…

I have long blonde curly hair, I don’t wear make-up all that much and I don’t really like confrontation. I prefer to stay quiet than to talk up a storm and I prefer to hide away everything I create because I don’t believe anybody could really understand.

These two people, one of them Cal, the other with an unmentionable name; they don’t fit together. They’re my past and my present and neither can represent my future; not how they are right now so I’m at a loss.

I’m confused. I’m confused because in two weeks I’m expected to go to a place, make new friends, live my dreams and just be a person but that’s something I don’t know how to do.

I don’t know how to show people every side of myself. I’m an enigma, even to me and it kills me inside at times.

I can label myself all I want, but in truth, I’m the girl whose dreams exceed her means. I’m the girl who walks with her head high but whose feet stumble on the ground because she’s too scared to wear her glasses. I’m the girl who still won’t smile wide because the memory of her braces is too startling to consider what she looks like without them. I’m the girl who composes music but can’t read it; the girl who can’t sequence properly and who has to read majority of things three or four times before it actually makes sense. I’m the girl who wishes on stars, believes in fairytales and wants nothing more than to be rescued.

But I’m also the girl who knows better than that. I’ll stumble and trip, smile through insecurity and pretend that I understand what my eyes are seeing even if it’s all jumbled in my mind.

I won’t be rescued from myself; I have to learn how to rescue myself first before anything else can be done.

I have to learn how to accept this multi-faceted person and that nobody is ever going to know each side of me; not yet.

I have to learn how to accept that labels, no matter how much I might despise them at times, are beneficial to not just my understanding of who I am, but everyone else’s too.

I have to learn that fear is empowering, and that’s going to be a long process.

I dream of…

Pictures… The way the actors move and say those words I’ve written. The storylines that weave a pattern in my mind and that I cannot rightfully put down on a sheet of paper but try over and over again because it’s all I can think about.

Conversations… The talkshow that I’ll produce and the people that’ll make it amazing; the views they’ll have and the success that’ll come with it, as well as the acknowledgement that I’ve made a difference.

Music… The double meanings and the chords, the rhythms and the melodies that I can share. A refuge for those concerned, dreaming, confused and wishing. I could create a world.

I’m a dreamer, and I can admit some of my dreams may never come to fruitation but I’m sure of some. These are the ones that I’m going to fight for this year, and that I promise and swear to you all, I’m going to do…

1. Publish a book – the already completed “As You Were” that catalogues the possible future I might have if I give up, something that is used for me as a retaliation to all my inner-insults.

2. Photograph the truth – all the people in the LGBT community; each label, each couple and each piece of language that echoes in their mind. I’m going to capture it somehow, and you’re all going to see it.

3. Hold an exhibition – I refuse to sell the art or give it away, it has to have meaning before I can do that. People and their perspectives have to give it meaning, so that’s what I’m searching for.

4. Make a movie – expose the trials, tribulations and discrimination against transfolk. Something I can’t rightfully understand but something greatly unappreciated: the struggle some of these people go through.

5. Start a talkshow – I’ve got things to say and damn me to hell, I’m going to say them, but I know I don’t have all the words, so what better way to find all the others?

6. Work how I want – stripping and prostitution. Sexuality, gender and sexism is so easily displayed in sex; you can read person in it and I plan of reading alot of people, not because I think it’s cool but because we’re all human and sometimes the world isn’t as simple a place as we would like it to be.

7. Date who I want – finally not categorize the people I see and just want who I want, whether it’s the foxy red-haired femme polishing off her third martini or the butch at the pool table giving everyone else a whipping. People are beautiful and I want to see it.

So that’s what I want, and it’s what I’m going to get as well. Doesn’t sound like much at all, does it?

I believe the world…

Can give real equality, not just to the LGBT community but to everybody on this whole damn, retched planet. REAL equality, that means country vs. country, race vs. race, religion vs. religion, job vs. job, sexuality vs. sexuality and life vs. life. No-one more effected than others, and no-one more forgotten.

Can overcome it’s war with words, unless of course we’ve all forgotten our education and have taken to sticks and stones again.

Can be environmental again, really admire nature and the way it controls us, and not the other way around. To care about the environment in all ways, not just the parts that immediately effect you.

Can make a difference to poverty and create a proper global economy that we as humans can be proud of, instead of using and abusing each other.

Can give a voice to those who can’t rightly speak – Give the people real nerve to make hard decisions when it comes to disabled people. I believe in euthanasia.

And I’m in denial of the fact that…

My parents don’t believe me when I tell them I’m gay, and that they’re thinking along the lines: ‘As soon as she finds a nice boy he’ll straighten her out’.

My extended family thinks I’m an extremist because I choose to speak out about things that immoral and that I can appreciate the beauty of tattoos and their meaning, whether symbolic or otherwise.

My friends don’t bitch about me behind my back, because they’re meant to be my friends right?

So, here I am world.

The odd, quirky, eccentric person who wakes each morning a little bit different than the day before. A person with a loud mouth and stretch-marks on her bum (the only claim to fame she has). A person who enjoys pornography and finds sex fascinating. A person who still has no idea who she really is, but is determined to find out, whatever the cost.

I’m wanted: dead or alive.

– Cal.

just me…

November 19, 2009

“I’ve got to much to lose to not be myself now…”

Hey, my name’s…

Epic fail.

 

Have you ever woken up and realised that the thing you’ve spent majority of your life chasing has suddenly started chasing you? No? Well I haven’t either, at least, not yet.

I’m writing this blog because my dear parents always said I should talk to someone about my issues and dramas, so this is me… talking.

For the record, and for those of you who understand labels, I’m a kinky, genderqueer, feminist, femme-dyke who occasionally tops. I’m also not sure what colour my natural hair is, but I’m guessing it’s no longer blonde.

Issues and dramas: Part 1.

I’m  a little  completely terrified.

What’s there to be so terrified about you might ask? Well, myself really. You see, yesterday I was reading another blog (by the fabulous http://justlikejessejames.wordpress.com ) and I felt like I was reading an older version of me. Now just incase that big ol’ flaming faggot lesbian has added another new post before I get to tell you about it (like she seems to do more often than not in my case) I’m speaking in particular about her post that details her experience in returning to her old high school.

Now why on earth would this bother me? Because well…

“It was hard for me not to feel angry. High school was one of the hardest chapters of my life to date and the anger that I left behind in this building was clearly still somewhere in it. As soon as I stepped into the building it was palpable. I hadn’t realized I had any feelings about this place at all until I could see it while driving from several farm fields away and felt my pulse shoot into my throat.”

I’d suddenly felt like I’d seen the future from somebody who had had my experience in high school. My own simmering anger (that hasn’t aged as much yet) sort of swirled underneath the surface, threatening to bubble over if I delved too far into an errant train of thought that went something along the lines of… ‘Bloody bitches, what the hell did I ever do to them?’

That was terrifying. I’ve never thought of myself as a particularly emotional person, I’ve always considered myself fairly neutral. But those words… they made something inside of my jump; like a call to attention. I guess this all stems back from the fact that my high school experience was so hard for me that I felt I had to leave to escape it. It seems escape is never that easy to do.

So now I’m terrified. I’m worried that even when I grow up, grow old, that I might still have this resentment inside and that I might somehow find a way to inflict it on others. I think to myself, ‘What if all of this won’t go away when I leave? What if everything I’ve fought so hard for is all in vain? What if… I’m always THERE.’

I guess it also surprised me a bit, to feel like someone had just shoved their hand in my chest and mimicked the actions there, whether in thoughts and unspoken meanings.

But lucky for me, I’m also the type of person who never admits they’re scared, at least not aloud. So this is my acceptance of the pain I’m feeling right now.

For those of you who actually know me, this blog might give you a better insight to my life than anything else I say… For those who don’t know me, at least I can’t lie in so little words.

– Cal Davies.

 

P.S. My love and inspiration comes from these other great bloggers:

http://www.sugarbutch.net/

http://alphafemme.wordpress.com/

http://femmeismygender.wordpress.com/

http://essin-em.com/

http://greeneyedgrrrl.blogspot.com/