Posts Tagged ‘university’

naked and the rain

February 13, 2010

“My heart sits on the sideline while my mind plays the game.”


Ever felt naked?

Not like, ‘oops-I-forgot-to-put-my-underwear-on’ naked but the real ‘holy-fuck-people-can-see-right-through-me’ naked…

In my past experience (which is a whole like 18 years worth) I’ve never felt truly naked, I’ve always had one layer of protection on at least, and those who have made me feel naked were probably quickly removed from my life.

I’m a protective sort of person, apparently even my sleeping position says so, besides the way my body contorts while I’m dreaming unmentionable things, I know I’m protective because it’s how I’ve grown up.

I visited home yesterday, my first day back in two weeks (pathetic, I know, but I didn’t have enough room for my guitar on the first trip) and already that place that I had called home was more of a house again. Sure, nothing much had changed (I lie, a fair bit had changed) but even though my furniture hasn’t been moved within the last three years and I’m pretty sure the dints on the wall will never be fixed, it wasn’t my room anymore. There wasn’t any me in the house. There was nothing to stake a claim there, and I didn’t know how to deal with that.

I’d lost my home just with the simple point of moving away to go to Uni, and the thing that annoyed me was that nobody had told me how much it sucks to feel as though your life has been lifted up off the ground and is floating somewhere in the atmosphere. I miss the ground, I don’t trip so much.

Still, I guess there is a sort of happiness attached to my new room, even if I can’t dance in it like a spaz. All my stuff is here, even my name scrawled on the wall (Arscott forgive me) and in time this place may become a home but currently I’m without port.

I don’t think I ever expected to feel this way, I’m fairly good at adapting so to find that I hadn’t actually adapted, was un-nerving. I don’t really know what to do with myself so I’m writing here, and I will probably spend the whole night writing and ignoring the raging party that’ll be engulfing the courtyard.

So to summarise:

Home isn’t home and Uni is just that… Uni.

You never know though, all my dreams may come true and I’ll be out of here quicker than you can say ‘home’.

– Cal.

The marks, are they there?

Rough against the smooth lines…

Brush over them, a story to read.

Can you read the marks?


not quite sure

February 1, 2010

“Dear blog,

Today I had the most absolutete worst, completely disgusting and degrading day of my life. If all start with the fact that I forgot to wear underwear, which is actually a more common occurence than you think, but truthfully, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was I got caught, and by the neighbours dog no less, but that isn’t the problem. The problem was…”

“Dear bloggee,

I am a piece of paper who, quite frankly, doesn’t give on ounce of brain space to your pathetic ramblings. If you could please cease and desist with all forms of communication I would be quite obliged to take you off my ‘eraser’ list.

P.S. Your teddy bear is the one who’s been stealing your bras.”


Why can’t inanimate objects talk to us?

I swear it would make life alot easier, and also save me from attempting to move the relatively large furniture around my relatively small dorm room. But no, furniture and all manner of inanimate objects were excluded from the communication list.

What am I rambling on about? I don’t really know, it’s just easier to let out my frustration this way instead of slapping a few dorm member across the face because they insist that the blonde is their natural colour even though their eyebrows and all manner of body hair beg to differ.

Anyway, aside from my own random ramblings I’m just… I’m not quite sure.

I’m in a city, going to pubs and clubs and I still feel so out of touch with the world.

All I want to do is find someone else who is gay or queer or whatever they like to be called. I just want to find someone who understands my perspective, but it’s proving harder than I thought possible.

So instead of actually doing something worthwhile, like I don’t know, sleeping perhaps, I have decided that now is the perfect time to write you all a little recount of my past weekend.

It started like this:

Friday 29th: Birthday; I spend the day avoiding certain people, making horrendous phonecalls and generally being a nuisance around my hometown. (That of course included going around the the grand total of five pubs in town and hustling.)

Saturday 30th: Post-Birthday and ‘why-on-earth-did-I-do-that-last-night?’ day; travelled to Canberra and visited family while continuing to make a nuisance of myself, even getting hit on by several very drunk 40-odd men.

Sunday 31st: Last day of January and my ‘officially-an-adult’ day; unpacked and moved very slowly into my dorm room all the while attempting to make as little eye contact as possible. I’m not entirely good at being social but I think I made a fair impression as well as somehow finding people to call “friends”.

Monday 1st: Technically not a weekend day; floundered around my room in the early morning because the lights are so damn bright, had a shower in the shower which had very bad water pressure and then I managed to stumble into the food hall and grab an apple for breakfast. After that I ventured to a waterpark where I splashed around, got sunburnt and shocked people with my lack of swimming attire (I lost my bikini top going down a slide, HUZZAH!). Spent the afternoon setting up my internet and shopping for necessary food before returning for dinner and then partying it up with the old ressies.

Overall I think I’ve made a good impression but god knows what anybody else thinks.

I’m overtired, hungry and have someone else’s underarm sweat on my shirt so I think that means it’s time to go to bed.

So night-night people reading this. I’ll update when I have something to update.

– Cal.